Shattered
by emilynoel11
Summary: Edward had always waited to see if one day, he would say something and she would run away screaming. It finally happened, despite the fact that he left her behind, thinking he had gotten her away from all the monsters of his world. And she shattered.


_Disclaimer: I own nothing. _

_This takes place during New Moon, immediately after Bella watches Jacob and Paul transform. Slightly AU, Edward isn't going to come back, Bella has slight PTSD from the encounter with James. Some nice Jacob x Bella at the end :) Enjoy._

* * *

The sound of growling and snapping was slowly fading into the distance. Suddenly, the sound cut off and it was very quiet on the road.

One of the boys started laughing.

I turned to stare at him – my wide eyes felt frozen, like I couldn't even blink them.

I vaguely recognized his thin face, his name taking too long to come to my mind – Embry Call. Embry and the other boy, I assumed must have been Jared, continued talking and they began retrieving the leftover scraps of clothing from the ground, momentarily forgetting I was there. They returned to me once their task was finished, and one of them began talking to me, asking me a question maybe, but I couldn't focus on his voice past the fog in my head and the biting growls of the wolves still ringing in my ears. My heart was still beating too fast, pounding in my chest, and I absently wondered if the two boys could hear it, if their own senses were enhanced like those of a vampire's. Everything around me seemed to be a strange, hazy shade of almost-gray. I tried not to blink, because the vision of Paul exploding, features morphing into those of a wolf, and Jacob reacting in kind still played on the inside of my lids.

I felt lightheaded, almost dizzy, and my legs were shaky. I was stuck, frozen in place and staring at nothing through the fog. My body felt strangely numb, the pain in my chest the only feeling that registered in my head now, and it was an indescribable mixture of feeling agony and emptiness at the same time.

I barely noticed when Embry's hand landed on my shoulder, gently turning me and guiding me to sit me in my truck. The warmth radiating from his hand wasn't comforting – it simply made me feel colder inside. Emptier inside. My legs moved of their own accord, letting myself follow Embry without my consent, and I tried to work past the fog in my brain. Attempting to see past the mist, I peered at Embry's face, at the emotions there, the grim acceptance and pity. I didn't understand why he was looking at me like that, so I let the fog cloud my mind – for some reason, it was better than dealing with anything right now.

Jared and Embry exchanged a few words once I was safely in the truck, silent and still numb, before Embry settled himself beside me in the driver's seat and Jared hopped into the truck bed. I couldn't hear what they were saying past the buzzing in my ears, the loud noises my truck made as he fired it up were barely registering.

Embry talked a little, probably trying to fill the silence but I didn't respond unless he asked me a direct question and even then I could barely concentrate on what he was saying. After a few moments, he fell silent and I let myself think of nothing. Wherever Embry was taking me, I hoped it would be warm because I was freezing, my whole body trembling from head to toe. The car stopped suddenly outside a quaint little home, but I couldn't even bring myself to look around.

I didn't understand what was wrong with me, why I was acting the way I was. All I knew was that I was icily numb and two wolves swam in front of my eyes every time I closed them. Embry got out of the truck, and it bounced a little as Jared must've jumped out of the back, but I couldn't move from my spot. They were talking again, looking more serious this time, and they made numerous glances back at me, still sitting in the car and eventually they stopped talking, simply staring stonily at me. I couldn't look up. I didn't know how much time passed. A Quileute girl soon exited the house and joined the duo, but I couldn't do anything but sit there, still silently shaking.

I had almost forgotten the three were there when the atmosphere changed, and there was more sound from outside the truck. Jared, Embry and the girl all looked up and I glanced out the window, too, watching as Jacob, Sam and Paul returned. The six of them talked quietly together, throwing looks my way again but I could only stare.

"What's wrong with her?" Jacob demanded.

Embry shrugged, leaving Jared to explain.

"She's been like that since you guys left. Pale, shaking like a leaf, barely said a word." Jacob looked dismayed.

"She's probably in shock. This was her first time seeing you transform, Paul, Jacob." Sam reasoned, his voice considerably deeper and more mature than the rest.

"But she runs with vampires!" Paul protested.

"Yeah, Paul, vampires, not werewolves. I'll go talk to her," Jacob said, concern obvious in his voice as he walked over to the truck, Sam following not far behind.

"Bella, honey," For some reason, Jacob's voice seemed to cut through the fog. My eyes lingered on his face, the words coming out of his mouth made sense where the others didn't. Leaning in the open truck window, his concerned eyes stared intently at my face. I noticed Sam's face peering over his right shoulder, and the other four people on his left. Paul's eyes met mine, but suddenly I wasn't seeing the people there – I was seeing the wolves again. _Dark silver and russet fur, two large wolves fighting in front of me, staring in shock at their size…_

"Bella, are you alright?" Jacob's hand reached out to touch me, his voice slicing through the terrifying memory but I flinched violently away from the motion, my body still in panic mode and unable to control my movements.

Jacob recoiled, his face betraying his shock and despair. Bringing my knees up to my chest, I caught a glimpse of myself in the truck's side mirror, my face deathly pale and terrified, triggering a second memory.

"_No, Edward, don't!" Her leg, snapping, splintering, fracturing, breaking under James' grip, her echoing scream, fire, fire in her hand…_

"Bella, listen to me. I would never hurt you," Jacob's voice came again. The truck's door was open now, his frame leaning over mine eerily similar to James' as his fangs sunk into my flesh…

There was a sudden pain in my hand and I whimpered, Jacob's hands gently settling on my wrists and I realized I had been gripping my hand, right over my scar, my nails digging in so much that I had drawn blood. The lingering memory faded slowly away at the slight pain, and Jacob slowly removed my hand one finger at a time, and carefully inspected the little drops of blood beading up on my skin. Wiping the crimson away, it revealed that the scratches had already stopped bleeding.

"How did you get this scar, Bella?" Jacob said, tracing her scar with a finger and hoping to distract her.

"Vampire." I breathed the word, but judging by the wolves' reactions, all of them had heard me quiet clearly. Jacob's eyes filled with anger, his hands beginning to shake and I cringed, trying to shrink away from his burning eyes and the other boys' cries of outrage.

"Jacob," Sam's voice came from behind, cautioning the boy to control himself especially so close to her. Jacob glanced down, and finally noticed how he was affecting Bella. Taking a deep, calming breath he tried to push his angry thoughts away and focused solely on helping Bella, and was pleased when his hands stopped trembling.

"What do you mean? What happened, Bella?" Jacob asked, making sure his voice was soft, gentle, and didn't reveal his inner anger.

I whimpered a little at the memory; I hadn't thought about it in a long time, and looking back on it now – especially in such a state – it was terrifying. I had never really let myself think about that day, preferring to forget it ever happened. Feeling tears gather at the corner of my eyes, I closed them and relived the horror of that night, speaking quickly to Jacob. "Last spring, Victoria's mate, James tricked me into sneaking away from the Cullens. He was attracted to my blood and took it as a personal challenge when E… when he got defensive. I was so scared, Jacob; he broke my leg just by moving his hand." The tears were running freely down my cheeks by now, but I didn't care and I couldn't stop now. "There was blood, so much blood and James bit me, and I don't remember much after that but then _he_ was there and Carlisle, and Alice… she had to leave, there was too much blood… _he_ had to suck the venom out… but it had hurt so badly… like fire, burning in my hand, under my skin…" I could barely breathe past the lump in my throat and I was shaking so badly that the world was turning, already blurry from my tears. This was the first time I had talked about that incident since it happened, the first time I had even talked about Edward since he left. There was a deafening silence, and for a moment the only sound was my sobs but then Jacob's voice filled my ears, whispering sweet, comforting nothings and stroking my hair. It felt like an hour before my vision cleared and I could breathe properly, but soon enough Jacob's face reappeared, staring down at me in misery at my pain. "Shh, shh, Bella, it's only a memory. It's alright, you're alright…" I shook my head slightly, trying to clear away the mist in my brain. "It was a pain worse than any I had ever felt in my life, Jacob." But my voice was steadier and my trembling had subsided. I let out a sigh and my breathing began to even out and I started to relax in my seat, feeling inexplicably tired. My arms began to wrap themselves around my middle, trying to hold myself together but I found that for some reason, it suddenly didn't work. Sitting up in shock, my hands curled into fists by my stomach.

"What's wrong, Bella? You always do that when you're upset; why? And you stopped yourself this time. What's different today?" Jacob questioned me, and I was very aware that all of the ears were still listening to our conversation but I couldn't bring myself to be dishonest.

"It hurts to think about them. I can't breathe, it's like I'm breaking into pieces and I'm trying to hold myself together. It's different today because it's too late, Jacob, I've already shattered." My voice was strange; it sounded bitter and strangled but I shocked even myself with the truth that was present in my voice.

"What're you…?" Jacob began, but I interrupted him.

"It's stupid, it's really stupid. Edward had always said that he was afraid he would finally say something wrong, something about vampires that I just couldn't handle and I would run away screaming. Well, I think I've reached the end of my rope, Jacob. I can't take it anymore; seeing you and Paul today, to just go from being a normal human to a… a werewolf was shocking, to say the least. Even though I already knew what you were, seeing it happen was the last straw." My voice was desperate, and it scared me to not recognize the sound.

"You said it didn't matter to you if I was a wolf," Jacob's tone was thick with outrage, and my eyes widened when I realized he didn't understand what I meant.

"It didn't; it still doesn't. I couldn't care less if you turned into a wolf, but… I thought this part of my life was over, Jacob. I didn't even know werewolves really existed before this morning and it didn't sink in until I saw you transform. If you had told me you were a werewolf half a year ago, it wouldn't have affected me in the slightest, but now, I was so sure that I would live a simple human life for the rest of my days. "When… when Edward left me, I thought that was it. No more supernatural stuff. But here we are six months later, and suddenly there are werewolves too. It's like taking a drug, going through withdrawal for months and then you start drinking. It's a different addiction, but an addiction all the same.

"It's horrible. If I had lost only Edward, maybe it would be different. But I didn't just lose him, I lost _the Cullens_. It was like losing the love of your life and your family in one day. I had been around them for so long that they were my family, too, despite being a human around a coven of vampires. Rosalie didn't like me, and Jasper avoided me, but Alice was definitely my sister, and Emmett was my big brother. Carlisle and Esme were so kind, compassionate, loving, accepting, welcoming and it was like being ripped from your entire family. They didn't even say goodbye, they just left.

"It was almost like they had died. 'A clean break' he had called it, but it was more like a fracture, splintering underneath my skin. You've seen me, Jacob, I'm sure you can understand what I was like. I was so numb. I felt nothing for months; like I was living my life in a dream and even now I can't remember what I did during the months following their departure. My life had revolved around the Cullens, and without them I didn't know what to do with my life. When I started coming down to visit you, Jacob, it was like waking up to a whole new world. It hurt too much, it _still hurts too much_, and I used to wish desperately for the numbness to return so that I wouldn't have to feel anything at all.

"Yesterday, when I thought you were leaving me, too, it was so much worse. Being with you, Jacob, it made me happy, and it made me laugh, even if only for a little while before I was forced to return to the pain. It made me _smile_, something I had almost forgotten how to do and it felt good. It was better than the pain and it was better than feeling numb. But yesterday I was terrified I would break again. It was nothing like losing the Cullens, I doubt anything will ever compare to that, but it felt like I was losing what little I had left. Like I was losing my smile, my sun. After weeks of wising the numbness to return, I found myself fearing that losing you would bring about its return.

"Today, realizing you were a werewolf, seeing you transform, seeing how your pack works together seamlessly, I couldn't help but be reminded of the Cullens. Your bond with Embry, Sam, Jared and Paul is so blatantly obvious; you're brothers. I couldn't help but hope that I would get to stay with you, or maybe get to know your brothers. But then I was reminded of Victoria, and thinking of you looking for her makes me sick. She'll kill you without a second thought, and I can't lose you. I can't let myself get close to anyone else, either, because I wouldn't be able to handle it if I lost them, too. I'm only human, there's nothing special about me. How long would it take you to grow tired of me? How long will it take for one of you to be killed protecting me from Victoria? I knew that I couldn't do that to any of you, couldn't even bear the thought.

"It's just _too much_, Jacob. My life has been turned upside down this year. Finding out Edward was a vampire, nearly being killed by James, Edward leaving, nearly losing you, discovering the existence of werewolves, finding out Victoria is back… When I saw you transform, something shattered inside me. Things with you were always simple. I was human and you were human, with normal human problems. But now you're a werewolf and I'm still just a pathetic human. I wish, so badly, that I could forget everything. Forget you, forget Edward, and forget everything remotely supernatural. Because I don't want it to be this way, I don't want to feel this way. But I don't want to feel _nothing_, Jacob, and I can't forget.

"I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to get angry and I want to be human, Jake. This afternoon, I felt the numbness again when I broke. I don't want that feeling to permanently return. I don't want to be empty and I don't want to feel pain. Emptiness is so cold. I don't want to be cold; I want to feel warm. I just want to _feel_ without worrying about losing _everything I care about_." I was full-blown sobbing again, shaking like a leaf and clutching on to Jacob like a lifeline.

"Don't worry, Bella. I'm not going anywhere. No one's going anywhere. We're going to do our jobs and destroy Victoria. I'm never going to leave you, Bella. I'm going to help you get through this, I'm going to help you feel again, okay?" Jacob murmured, his arms secure around me, rocking me comfortingly back and forth, his fingers rubbing soothing circles into my back. I cried and cried for what seemed like hours.

But slowly, the tears began to subside. Jacob leaned back to look at my face, and he backed away, leaving enough space for me to get out of the truck but he never let go of my hands. Taking a deep breath, I stepped out of the truck, but my attempt of standing on my shaky legs did not succeed.

Legs giving out beneath me, I collapsed and was fully prepared to hit the ground but then Jacob's arms were around me again, one under my knees and one under my back and lifting me bridal style.

I was too exhausted to be embarrassed and I simply snuggled into his warmth. My eyes drooped, but I didn't want to fall asleep.

"You're probably exhausted after that. You can sleep, Bella, I'm not going to leave you," Jacob reassured me, but that wasn't exactly what I was worried about.

"I'm afraid of what I'll see if I close my eyes," I admitted honestly. My words slurred together slightly from sleepiness but Jake seemed to understand me fine.

"Don't worry, Bella. Just remember that I'm here. I'll protect you. Now, sleep," Jacob murmured in my ear and I began to drift off.

"I will never understand how girls can keep that kind of stuff quiet for so long," I was nearly asleep but Paul's incredulous voice met my ears.

"I'll never understand how they can feel so much at one time," Embry disagreed.

"Just because you all have an emotional capacity of a refrigerator doesn't mean Bella does," Jacob said, and the lingering tension dissolved into laughter.

Smiling, Bella moved closer to Jacob, closer to his safe, reassuring heat and for the first time in months she didn't fall asleep cold.


End file.
